Christmas eve

Haven't been writng as I had been drifting past every single day.. Went out as frequent as I could.. Only under influence of alcohol and smokes I am able to enjoy and "cheer up".. Pathetic lifestyle but that's the only way of living I can manage right now.. She is obviously avoiding me although she says I will still be her "dearest friend".. Hope I could hate you.. But I can't...

Buudies..

Went for KTV session with buddies MJ and gang... Was able to temporary put aside the emptiness thru beer and smokes.. Had a great time... Emptiness filled me again when i reached home.. Now... Started to think of you again... Are you avoiding me? Haven't really been able to get you via SMS or phone.. Uninterested replies.. Silent conversations... Had to sound joyful when speaking with you... Don't want you to feel bad.. Wanted to tell you my life was carrying on as normal.. Haven't seen you online for quite son time... Am I being blocked? When I let my mind stray.. such thoughts consume me in despair... I really thank my buddies for the great time but they can't always be partying with me... I still need you by my side... Wallpaper shows the last photo we took together.. When we were still close.. When I was still smiling from the heart... I miss you...

I wish I knew your thoughts

Yesterday I had to practice to be normal while at work. I would be meeting you for dinner in the name of celebrating HT's belated birthday. Somehow i managed to do so as I clinged on hope to one of your SMSes... You said give you time to consider as you don't wish to have a relationship now. That little teeny weeny chance of a hope was all i had to cling on in the sea of despair. You might have said that only to get me off your back for awhile but it was all i had.. Work ended, I went towards City hall and started waiting... Was 45 min early before meeting time but I didn't go anywhere.. I stood by the station, closed my eyes.. tried to calm my emotions so that i can achieve the goal of appearing normal in front of you. I didn't want you to be guilty, worried.. You came early and thank god I was somehow able to converse with you normally.. But I my voice has changed since that day, I can't seem to project my maximum voice.. Makes me sound softer than I already was. The others came, met up the birthday gal at Kenny Roger's, had dinner, had the cake and we were already on the way back home before I even realised.. You didn't come online that night. Began to wonder why... Paranoid as I am, my thoughts started to stray.. You think I have "recovered" and therefore you were released from your guilt? Better to stay away from me from now on? I dunno... Let's hope not... I wish I knew your thoughts...

Pissed

Work was horrible today. Not the workload just the people wondering why i was not my usual self. Didn't say a word not related to work today. Basically said only what needed to be said to get work done. 1st time in my entire life i hoped i had more owrk to do. Didn't wanna moment of free time cause when i do, I think of you.. Had to made trips to the toilet to ease the rush of emotions.. Reached the office damn early since i couldn't sleep, you called to make sure i was not broken to the extend of skipping work.. Felt and appreciated your concern but I didn't know how to respond.. Just hoped the concern came out of love not pity.. But in this cause, it was definately out of pity.. Left office on the dot 4:15pm had to shop of groceries, life has to go on.. When online, saw you, exchanged a few words.. You went for your meeting, I went for mine.. Met my concerned buddy for drinks. After pouring out everything, he got a little personal as he had the same experience before. He started calling you names. I was pissed.. I couldn't tolerate people calling you names. No, not even my best buddy.. I snapped, rattled at him and left.. People close are slowly drifting further one by one.. All thanks to me... Its gonna be another long night..

The day it all crashed..

My world crashed.. I'm wrecked.. I dunno wat to do anymore.. They say everything will always be sweet before something horrible happens.. True indeed.. The past week+ was magical, like dream came true.. Since the dinner we were so close.. We went out, you fed me the most delicious popcorn, u made a boring movie fantastic, u showed me the sweetest smile in the world.. 16 hrs ago u I still had u wrapped in my arms.. u woke me up from my dream 9 hrs ago.. U said u were sorry for leading me on.. U said u were sorry.. I tried to convince u but u wouldn't listen.. Wat did u mean by "u can't convince urself"? Why did I even let u start dat conversation? If it was a dream I didn't ever wanna wake up.. I couldn't continue the conversation.. I went out.. Roamed the neighbourhood with tears.. I didn't know wat to do, where to go.. Friends who called heard my tears but I didn't tell them wat happened.. I dun wanna make it final.. Telling them would be like there will be no part 2 to this.. I dun want it to be over.. I wasn't able to reply ur last SMS coz I didn't wanna be ur dearest friend only.. It doesn't matter if I am not going to be the dearest person in ur life but, I only wished u allowed urself to be the dearest person to me.. I have ran out of tears, soaked my pillow with tears and I can't sleep.. Work is starting in 2 hrs time.. Don't think i can work later.. yet i have to.. How am I able to maintain my usual self in front of everybody? How can I ever smile again...